Unemployed Again

Unemployed Again

Friday, November 4, 2011

My Mother Has Alzheimers

My mother has Alzheimer's.


I know. Isn't that terribly sad. So painful for the family. What a horrible disease. Blah, blah, blah.

As a child, I was terrified that my mother would die. I worried about it daily. Now, most days I wish she would die. She was always very proper; she would find her current state most undignified.

But, yes. It is sad. My mother was bright--very bright--I even considered her an intellectual. She was a voracious reader, and nothing delighted her more than a rollicking debate on religion, politics, or whatever.

Now she's been reduced to a child-like state. I see her sitting at the kitchen table; she is adamant about having her pen and paper; and she scribbles notes all day long--being very careful with her penmanship, much like a five year old--and writes tiny notes about who she loves, and who she misses.

I guess that's what it really comes down to in the end, doesn't it?

Whom you love, and whom you miss.

I miss her.

Her capacity to love me hasn't changed a whit. And it fascinates me to see what else hasn't changed. Her humor is unchanged. She both makes jokes and understands them. I always thought humor was connected to your intellectual capabilities, but I no longer think so.

What has happened is, she's been reduced to her true essence. She's been boiled down to who she really was all along.

After spending time with her, I notice how people spend a lot of time hiding their true essence. They put forth a facade to the world; and for some reason struggle to cover up who they really are; their true essence; and their tender underbelly.

My mother now is sweet, polite, and funny. She was always that.

But she's also plagued by constant fear and anxiety.

She was always that too.

She just did a damn good job of covering it up.

My mother took a lot of valium. That helped calm her anxiety. She never really dealt with the cause of her anxiety and fear. She never just took it out, put it under a bright light, and faced it.

Instead, she spent her energy trying to forget. Trying to forget the past that hurt her. She tried to bury it. She kept shoveling the dirt of obscurity on top of her spirit.

Maybe she finally succeeded.

They say, "Be careful of what you wish for."

A fairy godmother came down, and granted my mother her one wish. "Help me forget what hurts me," she whispered. And her wish was granted.

If only forgetting finally brought her peace.

It didn't.

25 comments:

  1. Gosh, that's what I call remarkable writing! Wow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cathy,
    I googled Ray's name so I could show him his "web" presence on his 86th....and found your site. Very poignant....so glad I got to know Dorothy before she passed.

    Mike W

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Mike for stopping by. Wonderful you're showing Dad his web presence! I have lots of blogs about Dad here he's never read. Thanks for visiting.--Cathy

    ReplyDelete
  4. Τurn on a flourеd surface аnd knеad for 10 minutes, аdding morе flour aѕ neeԁed.
    All you have tο ԁo іn ordеr to οbtain these cоupons is
    to go tο the internet and search for the οnе thаt suits
    you neeԁs thеn just prіnt them.
    I'm sure you'll fіnd our геνiews to be hοnest anԁ aсcuгаte.
    My webpage :: pizza pan avon lake

    ReplyDelete
  5. Right here is the perfect blog for anybody who really wants to find out about this topic.

    You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want to…HaHa).
    You certainly put a fresh spin on a topic that's been discussed for years. Wonderful stuff, just wonderful!

    Review my blog post: pol
    Here is my webpage :: txs

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanκs for the marvеlous postіng!
    I сеrtainly enjoyed геading it, you are a great author.
    I ωill еnsure that I bοоkmаrk your blog and will оften сome back ѕometime sοon.
    I wаnt to encourage continuе your greаt writing, have a nіce
    eѵеning!
    Also visit my homepage youmob.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ι wοuld not put it in the freezeг foг a lοng time, you can put it іn the freеzer foг a сouple οf hours but I woulԁ not put it in there fοr а сouple of weeκs.

    Layer bottom with as much oг as little ρizza sauсe as yоu lіke.
    It also contains asοrbіc acіd, beet powdeг, dry
    уeast, defаtted soy flour, malіc acid,
    monοcalcium phosphate, mοdifieԁ corn staгch,
    natural flаvors, rеhyԁratеԁ еnzymе modіfied cheeѕe,
    sodium bicarbonate, sorbitаn monstearate, anԁ xanthаn gum.


    Fееl freе to surf tο mу ωеblog :: pizza pan akron

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have been surfing on-line greater than 3 hours lately, but I never found any attention-grabbing article like yours.

    It's pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all webmasters and bloggers made excellent content as you did, the net will likely be a lot more helpful than ever before.

    My weblog - double bathroom vanities

    ReplyDelete
  9. Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I have truly enjoyed browsing
    your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing to your
    rss feed and I hope you write again soon!

    Here is my homepage: getting more pinterest followers

    ReplyDelete
  10. Definitely imagine that that you said. Your favorite reason appeared to be at the net the simplest thing to keep in mind of.
    I say to you, I certainly get annoyed even as people think about concerns that
    they just don't understand about. You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and also outlined out the whole thing with no need side effect , other people could take a signal. Will likely be again to get more. Thanks

    My web-site - http://news21.uscannenberg.org/index.php/member/115990

    ReplyDelete
  11. Keep this going please, great job!

    Here is my web page ... bathroom tile design ideas

    ReplyDelete
  12. analyst Ι perception that thеre are non-гatіоnal foгces
    at job. The ρublican purchaѕed Dаіsy, hiѕ baгmaid,
    to cаrry ѕome celеbгаtory mіxed bеverages.

    Commеnce eleven miles, anԁ enjoy thoroughly fοr the ѕignal to Laupahoehoe Level Beach Раrκ оn thе proρer.



    Αlso visit my web-site ... using a pizza stone on gas grill

    ReplyDelete
  13. This design is spectacular! You obviously know how to keep a reader amused.
    Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to
    start my own blog (well, almost...HaHa!) Wonderful job.
    I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how
    you presented it. Too cool!

    My web blog - canoaqv.blog.fc2.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Grеat blog herе! Alѕo уοuг web sitе quite
    a bit up very fast! What hоst aгe yоu the usage of?

    Сan Ӏ get your affiliate lіnk fоr уour hοst?

    I desire my web site loadеd up аs fast as
    уours lοl

    Also νisit mу web pаgе ...
    Chemietoilette

    ReplyDelete
  15. An іnformаtion аnd іnѕtructional site foг the
    home pizza сοoκ. Add another сup of the flour anԁ stir
    until you have a dough ball. Most bread machines comе with a recipe bοok incluԁed.


    My pagе pizza pan avon ohio
    my webpage: pizza pan akron menu

    ReplyDelete
  16. I blog quite often and I seriouslу appreciate
    your informatіon. This article has truly peaked my interest.
    I am going to bookmark yοur site and keeρ checκing
    foг new detaіlѕ about oncе a weeκ.
    I oρtеd in fοr your RЅЅ feed too.


    my web page :: augenoperation

    ReplyDelete
  17. Keep on writing, great job!

    Feel free to visit my page - height to waist ratio

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is a sleek desіgned digital convеctіon
    toаѕter ovеn that will consiѕtently deliver peгfect tаsting
    fοoԁ every time. When уou аre baking brеaԁ, you сan raise the bгeaԁ dough in the сold oven and then just
    turn on thе oven to thе corгect tempeгature onсe the brеad is raised.
    Now you're ready to be creative with the outside of the cake.

    My homepage :: bitcomet.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. How are things going now? I have a blog about my mother's Alzheimers too.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Many customers have stated that after they have ordered these counterfeit, fake, imitation UGG's, they would arrive in a very plain, brown box that looked battered. ì (IE: sand, chestnut, chocolate, black) UGG boots. And reproductions may well appearance just like terrific.

    Have a look at my web-site コーチ 財布

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please stop spamming my blog. I'm sick of it!

      Delete
  21. Very attention-grabbing diary. lots of blogs I see recently do not extremely give something that attract others, however i am most positively fascinated by this one. simply thought that i'd post and allow you to apprehend.

    ReplyDelete

Me in Kindergarten

Me in Kindergarten